Ugh, Jalapenos
by whocares1313
Summary: Oneshot series. All Fax, and takes place at different times during the books  and after. T for some sexual references and swearing.
1. Ugh, Jalapenos

**Just a little cutesy one-shot I wanted to write about Max and the flock. Fang is OOC.**

**Disclaimer- Well, in all my other stories I'm not JP, so I don't see how I could be in this story.**

Max POV

I heard Gazzy call my name from outside. I raced to my window. **(A/N: They're staying at Dr. Martinez's house.) **"What Gazzy?" I asked.

He yelled back up, "I see some tracks in the garden, they look kind of eraser-y."

I rushed downstairs to look in the garden, that was weird, Gazzy was shirtless and in his bathing suit, I guess he was playing with the hose when he found the tracks.

"Where are they?" I asked, adrenaline pumping.

"Right there," he pointed to a spot behind some bushes. I bent over to look at it and was hit by something in the butt. Then I registered wetness. Was I bleeding?

I turned around to see Fang, halfway across the lawn, laughing his ass off. _How un-fanglike. _

Suddenly Iggy came out of the bushes and Gazzy pulled out a squirt gun. Shit.

They all started squirting me at the same time and I screamed, hoping someone would SAVE ME! I was still being soaked with water and had no-where to go, AND my shirt didn't have slits so I couldn't do a U&A.

I saw Nudge and Angel burst through the door (Ella was at a sleepover) and the squirting stopped for a second.

Iggy yelled, "PLAN B!" and Gazzy started squirting Angel, Iggy was shooting at Nudge, and Fang was still shooting water at me. I ran through the stream and tackled him. We were both wrestling for the gun and each got squirted enough to be soaked.

Iggy walked over and saw me straddling Fang. "Really guys? There are young children," he turned away and whispered, "teenage hormones, watcha gonna do?" **(A/N: I know that's not proper grammar, but its just how I think Iggy talks, get over it.)**

Enough time to take 3 showers later _

Angel came up with a brilliant plan for revenge. Except for the fact that we had to use moms cookies for it! (Cries)

We put jalapenos in the cookie batter, knowing they wouldn't notice and just scarf down the cookies. It's weird, the flock can eat sour anything, but I'm the only one with heat tolerance. Whatever.

When the cookies were done, I put some jalapeno juice on them for good measure, and Nudge, Angel, and I all got big glasses of water.

My mom called them down, she was in on our prank. Fang looked at me questioningly when he walked down and saw I wasn't eating any of the cookies.

I shrugged. "Mom already made a batch that I finished, I'm full." I rubbed my belly.

He turned and started shoving cookies in his mouth, along with Iggy and Gazzy. They all pulled away at the same time, looking frantic, their eyes watering.

Us girls all took big sips of our water at that, only to have our glasses ripped out of our hands by the boys. How selfish.

_Burn mouths, burn, burn until there's nothing left. Wait! I changed my mind! Save Fang's mouth! Especially his lips! Noooo!_

_Those are some funny thoughts, Max, _I heard Angel laughing in my mind.

And, wait for it, Fang just busted out laughing. He spit water all over Nudge! Grr. I bet Angel forwarded my thoughts to him.

After about 2 minutes of non-stop laughter, Fang walked over. "I love you too," he said in that sarcastic but not mean kind of mushy way.

He kissed me and I pulled away. "Ugh, jalapenos," I snorted.


	2. Learn to Relax

**You people asked, and now this is a one-shot series.**

**Don't blame me if you hate it.**

**The flock is at Anne Walker's house and it is a Saturday. That is all you need to know.**

**Disclaimer- No me JP. Comprende?**

Max POV

_We have to leave soon, we have stayed here too long, _was my first thought when I woke up. I checked my digital clock (and to think, in the subways a tissue would have been a step up), it was 8:56. I never sleep this late. CRAP! I was drugged or something!

I ran to the kitchen and started yelling about sleeping gas. The flock made 'back off' gestures with their hands, except for Iggy who wasn't there.

Anne was shaking in fear from my outburst. _Yeah, be afraid. _She was the first one to say something. "Maybe you're learning to relax."

"What is this _relax _you speak of?" Gazzy asked in my voice. I gave him a death glare.

Suddenly a BOOM! shook the house. I rushed outside to see Iggy, his hair singed and his face covered in soot. Half of Anne's house (the half we weren't standing in) was nowhere to be found.

"That is NOT what was supposed to happen," Iggy said while laughing like a maniac.

Hell, he was a maniac.

I went over to him to yell, but Anne beat me to it.

"You and your 'flock' will pay for this! You will pay for my house! You will pay for my yard! You will pay for everything!"

Iggy obviously did not see the danger in this situation. "Whoa," he said, "anger management much?"

Anne looked about ready to strangle him with her bare hands.

I walked over, trying to be the voice of reason. "Uh, Anne, we don't have any… money."

She smoothed her already perfect plaid skirt. "Then you will work it off," she said matter-of-factly.

*********************5 hours later****************************

"So much for freaking 'learning to relax'," I said as we washed cars.

Angel stood out on the road by the fastop and put a sign up that said 'CAR WASH! $5!'

I guess fastop wouldn't usually let six kids wash cars right outside their car wash, but the usual six kids don't have a mind controller.

I also think its hard for passing cars to ignore a cute six-year-old girl holding a sign (and I bet that, once again, her mind controlling helps), because almost every car that passed turned in here, even the clean ones.

We needed to make $200,000 to pay for the damages to Anne's house before we could leave. That's about 10 boatloads of cars, if they all paid $100. So much for my plans.

Time to start a new car, I squeezed out my sponge.

Fang POV

Max looks so hot in a soaking wet, white, top.

Must. Hide. Boner.


	3. Learn to Relax part deux

_**Welcome back to Learn to Relax *epic voice* (part two) *end epic voice*.**_

_**Disclaimer- My epic voice is way more epic then JP's.**_

_Max POV_

_I hate these people. I hate Iggy, for blowing up the house. I hate Anne, for making us work off the damages. And most of all, I hate… I hate that stupid pink car that just pulled up._

_You know what I really _hate most of all, the person who got out of that pink car. _Lissa. _*inject venom where necessary*

Yes, I want to inject venom into all of her main arteries, but you know why I didn't? Society (and Anne) have rules. And one of those rules is you just _don't, _I repeat _don't, _inject venom into the arteries of your best friend's girlfriend.

Darn shame.

She rushed over to him in that clingy-girlfriend way and tossed her car keys at me. "Nickie!" she screamed her whole run towards him and enveloped him in a hug.

But I could only think of the stupid car keys to her stupid _pink _car. In some cultures, this could mean that she wanted me to steal the car from h- WAIT A SECOND! SHE HAS A CAR! That means she is at least 16 and Fang is 14 and oh this is screwed up.

The same as the top she was wearing with her boobs half hanging out. Which I think had become a topic in their conversation.

With my super-avian hearing (I sound like a super hero or something… Woo hoo!) I was able to hear everything Lissa said, even though they were halfway across the parking lot.

She was such a whore. "I didn't know you got that excited for me!" I heard her yell, heck I didn't even need my awesome hearing powers for this spy mission, she was so freaking loud.

I didn't know how she could think Fang was excited, he just seemed embarrassed… I wonder why?

I used some more of my awesome spy skills and almost laughed out loud. Oh, screw it, I'm going to laugh out loud.

I jumped out of my bush I was hiding in and started laughing and pointing at Fang. Iggy walked over.

"Wazzup?" he asked me.

"Fang… has a… hard on!" I screamed in between laughs.

Lissa was trying to give me a death glare for laughing, but it was so suckish I started laughing harder.

Fang POV

Max was laughing and pointing at my… ahem… crown jewels when Iggy walked over to her and she just had to start screaming this embarrassingness to the world.

"Fang… has a… hard on!" she screamed between laughs.

_Oh, just let me curl up under a rock and die._

And yet I was still strangely aroused, because she was not wearing a bra, and her shirt was still wet, and, _BAD FANG! She be your leader!_

I felt little Fang rise just a wee bit more and felt my face flush again, I picked a bad day to be Fang.

*************about 200 cars later***********************

Anne was shaking her head and glaring at me. "I cant believe you exposed the children to that… obscenity today," she said as we drove down the road after she picked us up from washing cars for the day. Max told the story, and now Gazzy and Nudge were repeatedly asking what a boner was, and Max was repeatedly asking why I had one.

_Yeah-huh, I'm going to tell you of all people._

Angel was just sitting there looking disgusted, she had probably read my mind while I was in the men's bathroom… _taking care of business._

So yeah, today was pretty bad, and I think the stress from it took about 5 years off my lifespan.

_Angel, next time, remind Max to WEAR A BRA! _I thought-told Angel.

_Anything so I wont have this picture in my head again Fang. Seriously, anything, _she thought back.

Max POV

_Today… was… so… funny!_


	4. The Shrine

**Back at the E-house, before the series started. Max, Fang, Iggy- 13. Nudge- 10, Gazzy- 7, Angel- 5. Pretend Iggy can see.**

**Disclaimer- I don't even own this computer I'm typing on… how could I be JP?**

Iggy POV

Ever since Jeb left, Max and Fang go out to get food. And (dramatic music plays) THEY LEAVE ME IN CHARGE!

So here I am, picking the lock into Max's closet. Why are there three locks? No idea. I'm about to find out.

That, and I need a pair of jeans to shred for a bomb fuse.

I opened the last lock when Gazzy walked by, did a double-take, and came back to look in the closet with me.

Gently pushing open the door, I looked inside. There was nothing out of the ordinary and I walked in.

Finding the perfect pair of jeans for the job, I picked them up off the floor and saw that the carpet looked like a different color, but only a little bit off. Normally I wouldn't have noticed it, but my senses were on hyper-alert from adrenaline.

I tugged Gazzy's shirt.

He looked at me warily. "What?"

"Look," I said, pointing to the carpet.

His eyes went wide. "What do you think is under that?"

I shrugged and pulled up the carpet, the floorboards coming with it. _WTH?_

There was a ladder leading down, and I motioned for Gazzy to go down first. He rolled his eyes and pushed me in. That's what she said.

I fell around tem feet and landed on my side, dislocating my shoulder. The pain was so great I had my eyes closed.

I popped my shoulder back and turned to face… what looked like a… shrine?

There were candles lit everywhere, and pictures of Fang were everywhere. "Get down here Gazzy!" I called. He had to see this.

He climbed down and turned around to face the weirdness that is Max, laughing out loud.

I looked on a table, and saw what looked like a diary. I opened it, 'cause that's what Iggys do.

_Dear Diary,_

_FANG LOOKED AT ME TODAY AND SAID 'HEY'! OMG! Isn't he the hottest thing ever? Well, diary, you cant see, but let me assure you he is the yummiest person you have ever laid your eyes on if you had eyes. I was all, like, *swoon* when he said hi to me 'cause he never talks and he was talking to me!_

_I stayed calm though, and he and I sparred a little. HE DIDN'T PUNCH AT ME AS HARD AS USUAL! I THINK HE LIKES ME BACK!_

_OMG I need to do a happy dance._

_-Max_

I laughed crazily and started to run for the trapdoor, with Gazzy right behind me.

A net came out of no-where and scooped us up and I almost dropped the diary.

************************20 minutes later***************************

We were still hanging here, and it was getting old. I heard Max coming and started freaking out.

She climbed down the trapdoor and pulled a bat out from behind the table.

"I knew you'd try to come in here, God you guys I don't like Fang, he's in on this!"

Fang climbed down the trapdoor and crossed his arms across his chest, a scowl on his face. "You guys are idiots," he said and pulled out another baseball bat.

"Lets just pretend like this never happened," I said.

"Fine, we'll just forget what's going on," Max said shrugging.

They turned around for a second and turned back, Max with a surprised look on her face.

"Fang, look! A piñata made too look like Gaz and Ig were in it."

"Lets get the candy."

They started hitting the net, and us.

Turns out our blood was the candy.

**R&R?**


	5. The Shrine alternate ending

**Back at the E-house, before the series started. Max, Fang, Iggy- 13. Nudge- 10, Gazzy- 7, Angel- 5. Pretend Iggy can see.**

**Disclaimer- I don't even own this computer I'm typing on… how could I be JP?**

**This one has an… ALTERNATE ENDING! So… you can just skip to that if you want…**

Iggy POV

Ever since Jeb left, Max and Fang go out to get food. And (dramatic music plays) THEY LEAVE ME IN CHARGE!

So here I am, picking the lock into Max's closet. Why are there three locks? No idea. I'm about to find out.

That, and I need a pair of jeans to shred for a bomb fuse.

I opened the last lock when Gazzy walked by, did a double-take, and came back to look in the closet with me.

Gently pushing open the door, I looked inside. There was nothing out of the ordinary and I walked in.

Finding the perfect pair of jeans for the job, I picked them up off the floor and saw that the carpet looked like a different color, but only a little bit off. Normally I wouldn't have noticed it, but my senses were on hyper-alert from adrenaline.

I tugged Gazzy's shirt.

He looked at me warily. "What?"

"Look," I said, pointing to the carpet.

His eyes went wide. "What do you think is under that?"

I shrugged and pulled up the carpet, the floorboards coming with it. _WTH?_

There was a ladder leading down, and I motioned for Gazzy to go down first. He rolled his eyes and pushed me in. That's what she said.

I fell around tem feet and landed on my side, dislocating my shoulder. The pain was so great I had my eyes closed.

I popped my shoulder back and turned to face… what looked like a… shrine?

There were candles lit everywhere, and pictures of Fang were everywhere. "Get down here Gazzy!" I called. He had to see this.

He climbed down and turned around to face the weirdness that is Max, laughing out loud.

I looked on a table, and saw what looked like a diary. I opened it, 'cause that's what Iggys do.

_Dear Diary,_

_FANG LOOKED AT ME TODAY AND SAID 'HEY'! OMG! Isn't he the hottest thing ever? Well, diary, you cant see, but let me assure you he is the yummiest person you have ever laid your eyes on if you had eyes. I was all, like, *swoon* when he said hi to me 'cause he never talks and he was talking to me!_

_I stayed calm though, and he and I sparred a little. HE DIDN'T PUNCH AT ME AS HARD AS USUAL! I THINK HE LIKES ME BACK!_

_OMG I need to do a happy dance._

_-Max_

I laughed crazily and started to run for the trapdoor, with Gazzy right behind me.

A net came out of no-where and scooped us up and I almost dropped the diary.

************************20 minutes later***************************

We were still hanging here, and it was getting old. I heard Max coming and started freaking out.

She climbed down, amazingly not seeing us and pulled a Fang plushy I didn't know was in existence out from behind a table and started stoking it.

"Fangles," she muttered psychotically while she stroked the yarn-hair.

I cleared my throat and she turned around to glare at me, murder in her eyes.

"Did. You. Hurt. My. Fangles?"

"Uh… no, we… didn't hurt your… Fangles?"

"YOU LIE!" she screamed, and charged at the net.

She tore it down and I held the diary in front of her face. "I'm just gonna back away now, and you're gonna let me, or else your little 'Fangles' diary will be history."

Max shrank down onto the ground and started crying.

As we climbed back up, I swear I heard her whisper, "Fangles was so young," in a whiney voice.

Freak.

**Personally, I like this ending better, but I just thought of it.**

**And a question, should I just write silly one shots or should I put serious ones in here too? 'Cause I feel like I should just do silly under a story titled 'Ugh, Jalapenos' but I'm not one of my reviewers, so what do you guys want?**


	6. PINK! It burns!

**Takes place 4 years after Max. OOC Fang.**

**Disclaimer: JP is evil… I am not (yet)**

Fang POV

I eyed the ring that I was going to give Max, uncertainty filling me. What if it was the wrong style? What if Max didn't like it?

I shook my head, trying to get rid of the doubt.

_It's okay Fang, Max loves you, Max will love it._

I walked over to my wallet and took out the picture of my old girlfriend Lissa. You might wonder why I still have a picture of her? Honestly, I don't know, I've just been too lazy to throw it out.

I looked down and shuddered at the pink that covered her whole body. I haven't even _touched _the color pink since then. Whenever Angel or Nudge would be wearing something pink, I avoided them like the plague.

I absolutely hate the color pink, and will never touch it for the rest of my life.

I packed the picnic basket and got ready for the date of a lifetime.

And then I ripped up the Lissa picture.

Max POV

I was squealing with excitement as Nudge got me ready for my date with Fang. I was pretty sure he was going to propose tonight!

She straightened my hair and put it in a loose bun, then put on some light makeup. I was so happy!

Nudge left the room for a second and came back holding a pale pink strapless dress that would go down to my ankles and, when I put it on, hugged my curves and complimented my skin tone perfectly. I squealed again.

"Nudge! You are a miracle worker! I love it!"

"ZOMG! I know right? Fang wont be able to keep his hands off you! ZOMG you're like, going to get married and live happily ever after you know except for the erasers and crap because life just hates us that much but Fang is like, your night in shining armor!"

"And Iggy is your loser in aluminum foil!" I joked.

"Shut up!" she yelled, and slapped my arm lightly, laughing.

"Gotta go," I said. It was 8. Time for Fang to take me… uh… wherever he was taking me.

I was walking out and saw conflicting emotions on Fang's face as he slung his arm over my shoulder, careful not to touch the silk of my dress.

We walked to a clearing in the woods, full of candles. In the middle there was a blanket and on top of it there was picnic basket that looked like it was over-flowing with food.

Fang and I sat down on either side of the basket and ate a gourmet dinner that only could have been cooked by Iggy.

After we finished eating, Fang got down on one knee.

"Max, you are the most gorgeous girl I have ever met, be my wife."

I almost gaped at how many words he said but quickly recovered. "Yes, I will."

It struck me that I hadn't even looked at the ring yet. I stared at it for what must have been at least 10 minutes. I was a gold band, with a 3 karat diamond right on the top middle part, you know what I'm talking about. (I could tell how many karats it was because of my raptor vision.)

I then saw a little inscription on it. 'I choose you.'

I felt my eyes tearing up. "Yes," I whispered again, and jumped into his arms.

"AHH! THE PINK! IT BURNS!" Fang shouted.

I jumped out of his arms quickly, my heart racing with adrenaline. "What burns?" I asked, thoroughly confused.

He was curled into a ball and shaking. "Th-th-the p-p-pink."

I held out the bottom part of my dress and touched his cheek. "See," I said in my therapist voice, "pink doesn't hurt you."

He started shaking more.

"I pulled him out of his ball and sat in his lap, kissing his lips lightly."

"Promise me you wont get married in a pink dress," Fang said.

I laughed and slipped on the ring.


	7. Bambi Eyes Now Illegal

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while, no inspiration. And to the nameless person who reviewed chapter 1, the magical unicorns give Iggy powers to know when a that's what she said is in order, even when you have to see it (not really a that's what she said at that point). And sorry if this sucks, like I said, no inspiration.**

**Disclaimer- The magical unicorns are after me and Iggy, not JP**

Max POV

Nudge walked into my room. "Max?" she asked. "Can I do your hair and makeup?"

I jolted up in bed. "No, no no no no noity no no no."

"Max," she said in a whiney voice. I looked at her and she was giving the Bambi eyes.

"Fine, nothing to awful, got it!"

"Yes sir!" she said, snapping to attention and saluting me.

After a little thing I call torture was over, we went downstairs. Angel ran up to me, barely avoiding a wall as she turned a corner.

"Max! Can we play truth or dare?"

"What? No!"

"Please Max?" She looked up at me, giving me the Bambi eyes.

I groaned. "Get the others," I mumbled.

"Truth or dare time!" Angel called through the house.

The boys and Ella all came racing in and sat in a circle. Just guessing, but mind control was a part of this.

Angel asked first. "Fang, truth or dare?"

He shrugged and scowled at the wall.

"I'll go with dare. Okay, so, you have to fly over Arizona in a superman costume dropping buttons that say 'Vote Superman for President, he's your super choice!'"

He looked straight at her. "No."

"It's a dare, you have to," she said, putting her hands on her hips smugly.

"I don't have a Superman costume or buttons." Nudge went behind the couch and pulled out the necessary supplies.

"Oh, God no," Fang said, his eyes wide.

"Come on Fang," Nudge said, using Bambi eyes.

He grabbed the costume, changed, and flew around. We turned on the TV while we waited and it ended up on channel 7, which was showing… Fang! Live! Flying over Arizona.

The camera cut to the newscaster guy. "This freak of nature is claiming to be Superman and asking us to vote for him as president. He is obviously sent from China to infiltrate the US, but the Chinese clearly don't know elections aren't until next year. The military has been called in as 'Superman' has become a national threat, and are preparing to nuke China if he does not leave at once."

We changed the channel to Disney and watched a Hannah Montana rerun. Nudge cut the silence. "I never did like China."

Ten minutes later, Fang walked in with bullet holes in his cape. He was scowling again.

Angel giggled. "Now its your turn to ask someone truth or dare."

A sick smile came on his face. "Nudge, truth or dare."

Nudge stuck out her tongue. "I'm not afraid of you," she said tauntingly. "Dare." She put on her 'try me' face.

"You can only wear the color black until November."

She gasped. "But… its… SEPTEMBER!"

"Congrats, you know your months," Iggy said.

She glared at Iggy as she went upstairs to change. Half an hour later, she came down with fishnets, a Black Veil Brides shirt, dark wash jeans, and straightened hair. She looked BADASS!

"Iggy," she said smiling, "truth or dare."

"Hmm," he said, "with truth I'm a weenie, with dare I'm dead… dare."

"Break into the white house and dress as one of the chefs, make sure to serve the president his meal shirtless."

"No! Unless its bacon," he trailed off, stroking his imaginary beard.

Angel concentrated, I'm guessing she was sending him mind-control Bambi eyes.

"Fine!" he said, jumping up and running to take off. "Be back tomorrow!" he called.

***************tomorrow*********************

Iggy walked in looking like death. "Turn on channel 7," he said, his voice winded.

We turned it on and the same crazy announcer was talking. In the background the president was beating a shirtless Iggy with his cane.

The announcers eye twitched. "Oh China, we are so close to breaking."

I turned off the TV.

Iggy turned to Angel. "Truth, and yes I have said a that's what she said joke. Gazzy?"

His eyes glazed over. "Dare," he said lifelessly.

"Put a 'China Rules, USA Drools' sign on the Statue of Liberty."

His eyes went wide. "No!"

"Pwease?" You guessed it, Bambi eyes.

He mumbled to himself and they handed him the banner.

"I will also be back tomorrow."

***********tomorrow*************

Gazzy walked in with bloody knuckles. "I had to break out of jail, turn on channel"

"Yeah, channel 7!" I screamed.

There the guy was. They showed a picture of the statue. "3 strikes, you're out China."

They cut to a shot of people loading nukes onto a helicopter.

***********1 year later**************

I stared at the wall of the cave and heard a rustling noise. "Angel, Nudge, you're still grounded!"

"Max," they whined, "its been a year!" Then they turned on those darn Bambi eyes.

"Ah, ah, ah," I said. "Those don't work on me anymore. Anyway, the radioactive levels are too high for you to walk outside anyway."

Here's an overview of the last year:

We find out the nukes are going

They miss China

China tries to nuke us

They miss

We try to get better aimers with nukes

They miss

China does the same

They miss

Radioactive levels are so high people cant leave their caves assigned by the government

Lesson learned: Bambi eyes- not good


	8. Spoon of Doom

_**Sup.**_

_**Disclaimer- JP knows more words than me.**_

_Nudge POV_

_I pulled out my old Spoon of Doom™ and held it up in the light, basking in its wooden glory. Yes, yyyeeesss _**(program tried to change that to eyeless)**_, they will never disobey my commands. They will BE AFRAID!_

Max walked into the kitchen and I held up the Spoon of Doom™. "You will leave the kitchen now," I said in my best serial killer voice.

_I wonder what its like to kill cereal… "Die cereal! Die, die, DIE!" Oh yeah, Max…_

She held up her hands and slowly backed out the door. Her voice quavered. "Is that the… Spoon of Doom™?"

"Yes, yes it is, now just go to your emo corner and stay there until I say to come out of it." My voice was calm and even.

Max hightailed it out of the room and hopefully to her emo corner so I wouldn't have to hurt her with the amazing Spoon of Doom™. I didn't want to, but I would.

I saw no other flock members as I left Dr. Martinez's house and was feeling giddy. Making my way down the street, I realized it was empty and the sky was looking like it would storm.

_Even better._

I sauntered into the bank of America and stood in line to get to the teller behind one other person. She was taking forever and I whacked her on the back of the head with my Spoon of Doom™.

The person behind the counter looked scared. "What do you want?" Her voice sounded just like Max's.

"I just want the money, and then I will leave. You will give me the money and forget I ever came, unless you want a taste of the Spoon of Doom™ like that lady did. What's your choice?"

She quickly got all of the money out and I put it in my backpack, but tossed the traceable one. "Now, get the rest of the money out of the safe." I gave her the evil eye.

She was shaking as she got out the rest of the money. I tossed her a wad of cash. "Keep it, I think you might get fired when they realize you got robbed with what _looks like _just an ordinary spoon."

The Spoon of Doom™ shook in anger. "Shh, shh," I whispered to it, "any sane person knows you're more than an ordinary spoon."

As I walked out, I called back to her, "I know this place is insured, why do they make such big deals of robberies if they just get the money back… insurance companies should be the only ones making big deals out of theft…"

I took off and felt all of the money and my backpack weighing me down. Suddenly I felt the urge to laugh maniacally, and since I was a so called 'maniac', why not?

I laughed all of the way back to the house and went upstairs. "Max, you can come out of your emo corner now!" I yelled, going into my room.

I heard a "yay!" and then scuffling footsteps… and then someone fall down the stairs. I started to laugh uncontrollably again. _Stupid people… _

Counting my money, I realized I had 1,940,620 dollars. *insert happiness here*

********2 weeks later***************

I petted Ms. Porkers and soothingly talked to Ms. Greasy. I then had a giant barn in the Martinez's backyard, built for the future raising of pigs. That's right, I bought a thousand pregnant pigs and stuck them in the Martinez's backyard.

At first they didn't like it, but a little bribery and a lot of threatening changed their mind.

I was preparing to open my own home-made bacon franchise (100% real pig meat!) with the money I got from the bank robbery.

Suddenly the door to the barn door was burst open and S.W.A.T. was in there, shooting away. They hit one of my pigs. "Nooo! Ms. Stinky! She was so young!"

I held up the Spoon of Doom™. They put down their stupid weapons and were practically bowing down to my awesomesauce weapon.

"That's right, do as the spoon commands!" I thought for something witty to say. "So, your guys' name is swat? Does that mean you want a swat from the amazing Spoon of Doom™?"

"No ma'am and Spoon of Doom™," they said together.

"Well, if you don't want to get SWATTED, your new name will be… T.I.W.T.T.C.T.O.T.S.O.D."

One of them yelled across the barn "what does that stand for?"

I threw the Spoon of Doom™ at him and it hit him in the head. He was instantly knocked out.

"T.I.W.T.T.C.T.O.T.S.O.D. stand for The Idiots Who Thought They Could Take On The Spoon Of Doom™."

"Yes ma'am," they all said, and left the barn hanging their heads in shame.

I couldn't help but whisper to myself, "that's right, do as the spoon commands."

**I know its weird, but I actually have a Spoon of Doom™ that I hit my brother with when he annoys me. And I always say "fear the spoon." All his friends think I'm a freak. I think they're freaks for not doing as the spoon commands.**


	9. Utah

**Attention readers of Ugh, Jalapenos, that's you since you're reading this. A message from whocares1313. I have an idea for the next chapter, but I'm going to need some help from you. **

**Yes, YOU! Sitting there, staring at your computer and still reading this just because you're bored! **

**Well, you know those if you pulled a max you did this, and so on. I want to use that thing for my next chapter of this one shot series, but I cant find it. Please give it to me in a review or pm me that rubric thing so I can write the next chapter. **

**I can also use some all human OCs for the next chapter if you want to submit.**

Angel POV

_Ugh, I really need to get rid of Max so I can rule the flock and eventually the WORLD! *insert maniacal laugh here*_

The voice in my head told me I had to rule the world, and of course it has all mighty celestial powers, so I have to listen to it. Who wouldn't?

I hadn't told anyone in the flock about my ability because they would put me on the crazy person pills they put Max on. I read her mind and she says they taste like chicken. I have recently turned to veganism and therefore it would go against my beliefs to eat one of those pills.

"Angel!" Dr M. called up the stairs, "your tofurkey is ready!"

"Yayfullness!" I yelled downstairs. I started running for the kitchen, but couldn't help almost tripping on one of Max's red lacy bras that were on the stairs.

_I guess they couldn't make it to Fangs room again…_

Don't blame me for my dirty thoughts, I can read Iggy and Fang's minds. Creepy places, let me tell you. _I think I'll get rid of them after Max._

I sat down and ate my tofurkey, drinking my orange juice and smiling as I read Gazzy's thoughts. _Hmm, _he thought, _I wonder what would happen if I put a can of Lysol in the oven?_

Then I tapped into Dr M.'s thoughts. _What a spoiled brat, making me cook food just for her. What the hell is tofurkey anyway?_

Quickly finishing my tofurkey, I raced upstairs and saw Max's red bra again. That gave me an idea. I checked the hallways and once they were clear, I picked up the bra and raced to my room.

I took a picture of the bra and put it on the internet, Fangs blog to be precise. That would get rid of both of them.

*************1 hour later********************

"Fffaaannnggg!" Max yelled.

"Yes my dearest love of my life?" he asked. I nearly gagged.

"Why is there a picture of my bra on the internet!" She was practically foaming at the mouth.

"I don't know, ask the website owner."

"I am!"

"Shit," he muttered.

"That's it!" Max screamed. "I am leaving all of this embarrassment for Utah!"

"Who's Utah! Are you cheating on me!" Fang yelled.

Max got a look on her face that said 'wow I pity you because you're so stupid'. "You idiot! Utah's a place!"

"Oh," Fang said, and did a face palm. "Why Utah?"

"Nothing bad ever happens in Utah!" she yelled, throwing a picture of Oprah in the bag she was packing. **(Little Drake and Josh reference there)**

"I shall come too," Fang said, and they flew off into the sunset. To Utah. How romantic. *shakes head sadly as if to express how stupid they are*

Iggy walked in holding roses. "Fang? My true love? Where are you?"

I laughed. "Utah."

"Noooo!" he shouted, and jumped out the window, most likely flying to Utah.

You gotta love Utah.

I walked downstairs to Dr M. "Max moved to Utah."

"Okay, I never liked her anyway, she was a vegan like you, but secretly, at least you had the nerve to 'come out of the closet', she was such a spoiled brat."

I patted her on the back. "Would you like to help me rule the flock?" I asked evilly.

Her face clouded over and she pulled out an evil looking mask. "Lets do this."

And the flock lived not happily ever after.

**Remember, that list of if you have pulled an ****insert character name here**** you have done ****this**** to make the next chapter.**


	10. If You Have Pulled A  You Have

**Kk, so it's time for… *drum roll* another Ugh, Jalapenos!**

**Disclaimer- Me not JP.**

**Special thanks: Some OCs to torture- CheyRainAwesomeness, The 'If you pulled a ****insert character**** you have done ****insert action****'- ADHD kid in jail**

Gazzy POV

I looked at the monitor of my computer, laughing at some random person's profile on FanFiction. Who comes up with this stuff? I mean, punching someone in the face because they chose paper? Squirting lemons in life's eye?

But then I saw the monstrosity, the monstrosity that I had to complete.

If you have pulled a Max: You have made a snap decision and decided to do it without thinking it through you have pulled a Fang: You have sneaked up behind someone without themrealizing you were you have pulled a Iggy: You have run into an inanimate object withoutrealizing it was there. This could include, poles, wall, doors, tables, you have pulled a Nudge: You have talked about something nonstop for thepast five minutes, not allowing anyone else to speak. This is also known you have pulled a Gazzy: You have farted in a big group of people reallyloudly, and everyone could hear it and smell you have pulled a Angel: You have invaded someone else's personal space,without any consideration for that person. You can also pull a Angel bygaining a whole lot of useless powers that you don't really need...but Ihighly recommend the first one.

The Max one, well, that was spot-on. Fang was too, but Iggy was too awesomesauce to run into an inanimate object! Nudge, hers was perfect for her too… _I have never farted in a large group of people! Just groups of six or less! _Oh, and Angel's was kind of offensive but still right.

Right then was when I made the crucial decision, I was going to do all of these. First one: Max.

I went into the Phoenix mall in Arizona, wondering what to do now. The Max thing wasn't something you did consciously. Then I looked in hot topic and saw some cans of spray that made your hair look wacky. _I have to get some! They might blow up! _So I ran in but saw they were too expensive, and slipped them in my jacket.

The mall cop walked up to me a few minutes later and put me in the mall jail cells for stealing. I just then realized that I had pulled a Max!

I took out the list and crossed out pulling a Max. _Looks like a Fang will have to wait, I'm kinda in jail._

Iggy was also something you had to be subconsciously doing, so I skipped that one too. That meant it was time to pull a Nudge. My cell partner (who I hadn't realized was there) tapped me on the shoulder. _He stole my pulling a Fang!_

I turned to him. "What are you in here for I'm here for stealing some hair coloring it was blue and I wanted to blow it up… don't you think explosions are so cool I mean they're all pretty like rainbows and unicorns and ponies oh and have you seen that new show My Little Pony what's your name?"

"Nik," he said, then punched me in the face. Everything went black.

I woke up in a hospital bed surrounded by the flock, Ms. Martinez, Ella, Dylan, that 'Nik' guy, a girl holding Nik's hands behind his back, two nurses, and Total.

I then farted, my loudest and stinkiest fart ever, and laughed as they all ran away. After I pulled out the list, I crossed out pulling a Nudge and a Gazzy.

Realizing that I could get up, it was just my face that was bruised, I stood up and walked to the only place the flock would be: the Cafeteria.

When I got there I saw the flock sitting in a corner with a three foot wall of pudding in front of each one of them. No doubt they were going to have a contest to see who could eat the most.

Then I saw the girl who I didn't recognize from the hospital room. Extra sneakily, I walked up behind her and made a pedophile faces. When she turned around she let out a silent scream and clutched her heart, but she was fine.

I looked at her. "What's your name?"

"Nikole, but call me Niki."'

"Okay Niki, why were you holding the person who put me in the hospitals' arms behind his back?"

"He's my brother and I took him here to say sorry."

"What school do you go to?"

"Uh, why do you want to know?"

"Just tell me."

"Santa Fe High."

"Oh what teacher and how old are you?"

"Lot of teacher and 16." Her face scrunched up in confusion.

I looked at the blue and red streaks in her hair. "How could you do that to your hair? Get only one color, blue and red clash… do you have a job?"

"No," she said, and tried to push past me.

"Oh, I know! What's your favorite color?"

"Either blue or red."

"What's your favorite quote?"

"Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. I have to go now."

"Wait," I yelled, and turned, starting to run toward her… only to run into a pile of empty pudding cups. _I guess the flock was throwing their empties over here… I ACCOMPLISHED ALL OF THEM!_

I then farted and they evacuated the hospital.


	11. It All Started With Iggy Needing Soup

**Sorry I haven't updated this in a while, I've been preoccupied. Set after The Final Warning.**

**Disclaimer- I am never going to be a James Patterson.**

Fang POV

Max and I went to the store to pick up some food for the flock. We were staying in the woods and had even bought a tent. I checked the list Iggy made me write of stuff to get at the grocery store. First thing: Campbell's Mushroom Soup.

Max and I walked down the aisle and some girls waved at me and smiled. One was blond and one was a brunette. I saw Max grind her teeth out of the corner of my eye and waved back, smirking because I was driving her insane. What can I say; I have to convince her _somehow _that she's in love with me. I had thought she would have learned after hating me hanging out with Brigid.

Max grabbed my arm. "Fang, come on, we have to get the soup," she grunted out in anger (and jealousy). _I am _such_ a sexy man beast._

The girls walked up. "Are you really Fang?" the brunette one asked.

I just rolled my eyes in response. They both squealed and Max groaned. "Fang, soup," Max said impatiently.

I waved my hand in the universal 'one second' gesture and began to listen to the other girls. "So, like, if you're really Fang, do you wear boxers or briefs?" the blonde asked me.

It was my turn to grind my teeth. "No freaking comment."

Max made a clown face, you know, the kind that's sickly sweet. "Yeah Fang, I think we all want to know the answer to their question."

I gave her a death glare and she made a 'whatever' face. My glares must be losing their touch.

Max looked at the FANGirls. "He's not answering," she reasoned with them, "he must wear briefs. There's no need to be embarrassed Fang." She grinned evilly.

"I wear boxers!" I yelled at Max, and she looked happy.

"And the age old question is answered!" she screamed to the heavens.

"Fang wears boxers!" the FANGirls yelled through the supermarket.

Tons of girls ran into our aisle. "Fang! Fang!" they shouted over and over.

I held up my hands in the universal 'back off' gesture. "Fang!" they shouted again, and rushed me. I was suffocating in a sea of designer shoes and Aeropostale clothes. Finally, I managed to push my way out of the dog pile.

"Ladies," I said reasonably, "shouldn't you not smother me so I can help Max save the world?" I made the sincerest face I could. Max shook her head no, still with the evil grin.

"Fang's no help, you can have him," she told them. They tackled me and everything went black.

++++an appropriate amount of time passes++++

I woke up with an IV in my arm. I pulled it out and the fog in my eyes cleared. The flock was surrounding my bed, except Max, who was sitting in a chair texting. I got out of bed and walked over to her, staring down at her face, which still hadn't realized I was up.

She looked up and saw me, and started laughing awkwardly. "Hey Fang, JJ says hi."

I snatched her phone and crushed it with just my hand. I'm strong.

"Hey!" she yelled, and jumped up. Max threw a punch at my eye, but I caught her fist with my hand, and smirked at her. She kicked me in the crotch and I fell to the ground in pain. I could even feel a tear in the corner of my eye.

"I want to be able to have babies!" I shouted.

"I'm sure you'll be able to have plenty with your dumb FANGirls," she said annoyedly.

"Sounds like someone's jealous," I said through the pain.

"You wish," she said.

"You want me," I said, and stood up, feeling slightly better in the crotch area.

She looked up into my eyes and I felt a shiver go down my spine, but I hid it. "Last I checked, you were the one kissing me, and saying you want to talk about 'us'."

"You know you love it," I said smugly.

Suddenly, I heard someone clear their throat behind me, and turned around to see the whole flock staring with wide eyes, except Iggy. "Haha, Max ran away when you kissed her," he teased.

"At least I've kissed someone," I told him.

Iggy turned around and saw a nurse walking down the hallway. He ran out and passionately kissed her for like, a minute, then ran back in and slammed the door. "HA!" he screamed and pointed at me.

Nudge snapped out of unusual speechless splendor (big words _and _alliteration? I'm good.) and start talking excitedly to Max. "Fang kissed you! I knew you guys had something special! Brigid was ugly. And are you and Fang going to fall in love and have babies? You should name one of them nobody so people will be all 'I will tell nobody' and then they'll tell nobody! That would be awesome!"

"Yes, he did, twice. We don't, definitely, no, no, and weird," Max said, answering everything Nudge said.

"Can you all get out so I can talk to Max alone?" I asked them.

"Whatchu want boxer-wearing Fang?" Max asked after they filed out.

I kissed her and she melted into me; that was a first.

We split apart. "Wow," Max said, wiping her lips.

"I'm a good kisser."

"Yeah."

"Here's your gum back," I said, and handed her back her gum.

_This all started with Iggy needing soup..._

**Virtual hugs for whoever can guess that reference at the end. But not the very end, the few lines before the whole soup thing.**


End file.
